I never knew I could love someone so much I could burst. We're coming up on our fourth Wedding Anniversary in February, and I just can't grasp how fast the years have flown by. Each year has been hard, not flowers and rainbows, but heartbreak, hardship, depression, weight gain, fights, sleepless nights, misunderstandings, tears, screams, frustration, and disagreements. The first year was the hardest for me, I was depressed, gained 50 lbs, I was obese, food was my way to cope with living in another country. People think "Italy" and they have this huge romanticized thought process. Heck, I'd love to go back on an actual vacation, but I'd never put myself through the hell I went though all over again. I don't wish it on my worst enemy. The views aren't worth the pain. It was beautiful yes. But that's all.
No matter how I explain my past, my trials, my horrible memories that I can't seem to forget, I know no one understands, and no one will. I don't need another "I know what your going through". I'm so beyond sick of that phrase, and honestly, I think it was made up for those who don't know what to say, or how to handle that kind of situation. But that is not the right thing to say for someone who just needs to vent, to let go or to just let off some steam. Friends sometimes just need to listen, yes I know it's hard, you don't want too but sometimes life is hard. It's unplanned, your dreams have vanished, no longer of importance and you feel alone. Sometimes I just need a friend, someone to listen, to care, to say "I love you, and I'll be here for you". It would help if you keep your word.
Back to the marriage part, I love my husband with my whole heart, He's been there with me, held my hand, held me tight and let me cry until all my tears were spent. He reminds me of his love every single day. He knows when to break the silence, he knows when to crack a joke, he' lets me vent. He loves me through it, through my darkest, my deepest pain and heartbreak. He's loved me happy, he's loved me sad, he's loving me through every day, every mistake, every failure, and he excepts me for the true, imperfect me. Through all the fights, tears, doubts, he's loved me still, through the pain of lost friendships, judgmental people, harsh and hurtful words and "advice".
In my silence, he's loved me, when I wanted most to run away, he's loved me, through my brokenness, my questions about God, my heartbreak of misunderstandings, old fights, and flashbacks, my reality of anxiety, (hot flashes, small spaces, big crowds, not being able to drive (for now) and him not being able to touch me, my gripping fear of judgement at every turn) I'm broken, I'm bruised, I'm living out of my deepest wounds caused by my deepest hurts in the deep places of my heart. My husband has stood by me, remained faithful to me, to our marriage. Through my struggles, Chris has stood tall and protected me, sheltered me, kept me safe, held me close. He's reminded me every day of God's never ending love for me. That God has the best possible things in store. Sometimes days are just hard. The realization, I'm not perfect, the living day to day, trying to live up to my own standards, realizing that it's impossible. Realizing that God didn't make me to be the "perfect wife" or the "perfect daughter" that it's "OK" to make mistakes and it's OK to have flaws. Hurts. Struggles.
My husband realized these things long ago, and he's been the quiet reminder, of Christ loving the church, with his selflessness and his faithfulness, his big sweet heart, and giving spirit, his grace, and understanding that I struggle more then most people. I hurt very deeply, and I have a hard time forgetting the deepest hurts in my heart . He accepts me for who I really am. Here's the facts. I'm Beautiful. I'm flawed. I'm perfectly imperfect. I'm wounded and hurt. I'm loved and excepted by God who came to rescue and save the brokenhearted. I'm God's and He's mine. I'm worthy. I'm saved. I'm scared. I'm free. I'm me. Beautifully flawed and perfectly imperfect. Created in the creators image, to be his love, his joy, his daughter.