4/03/2014

Life Changes [Air Force Separation]

We have an Announcement to Make... Chris applied to "leave" the Air Force back in February. I haven't put a word on Facebook about it, and told very few people, because the possibility of being "accepted" was slight. We heard yesterday, that we were ACCEPTED TO SEPARATE. What all this means is, we are Selling our house, packing up, and moving HOME to Minnesota. It also means we are officially "Out" of the Air Force, come August. We will be Moving Home at the End of September. Chris will hit his "six year mark" of serving, in August. I couldn't be more proud of what he's done for his Country, everything he's seen, awards he's won, hard work he's put in, and ALL he's accomplished, since he "signed his life away" at seventeen. We are ready to move on with our lives, and be "civilians" again. To have some normalcy, and *finally* live near our families again.

This life has given us many opportunities, and we've been able to see places, we'd never dreamed of. I'm so grateful, to the Military and Air Force for this experience. Chris wouldn't be the strong, compassionate, hard working man he is, without it. These are my last Five months as a Military, and Air Force wife. This has been the hardest experience I've ever been though, but also a rewarding one. I wouldn't be me, and who I've become without it. It's a bittersweet feeling for sure, starting over, and "starting from scratch" is a difficult thing, but we know God gave us this door to walk through, and we do so happily. I'm Not looking foreword to the Goodbyes,I've made more friends through this, then I've ever had before. But we are so happy to be moving on, and starting new. Thank you all who've gone through this journey with me, you've been there through the trials and tears, you know who you are. Thank you for being here, every step of the way. 

Focus T-25 [week one]

I've done a week and a half of T-25 now, I'm seeing results and I'm loving it. I'm faster, I'm doing things I wasn't able to do last week, my balance is slowly but surly getting there. I'm getting more speed (as much as  I can with a bad ankle) being careful as not to re-injure it like last time. I've been doing well at not eating much crap, we went out to dinner once, and ordered pizza once (witch I only allowed myself two pieces) I'm so thankful to be learning this journey back to health again, I already see a difference in my body, starting to get "toned" or I should say definition. Super excited.

I look forward to my workout every night, (between 8-10 normally) I'm NOT a morning person, for some reason, I get a burst of energy late at night, and I LOVE that. It also helps get whatever stress out of my body before bed, so I can go to bed "relaxed". Makes me so happy :) It helps my sleep insomnia for sure. I'll leave you with a few photos. :)

                                                 All Photos from Week One.

T-25 Week One, Day One. 

Before my workout 


right after my workout. 

working off that tummy flab, and lots of water 


Feeling Proud, worked two workouts in a row, happens every Friday.


Exhausted 

Left to Right. Day One -- Day Seven

3/27/2014

Food thoughts, workouts and my future

   Hello All, I hope everyone's week is going well so far. It's been a busy one already, time seems to fly by lately. I started working out on Monday, had day three tonight, I am already super sore, so It was so painful, but I stuck with it, and I pushed on. It's funny, even though I didn't get to it till 9:00 tonight, I was still motivated, and there was no way I was going to "cop out" just because I was tired. I'll admit it, during insanity, Chris and I skipped a new days here and there, and we tended to do the "stretching" when we didn't feel up to a harder workout. I know some would consider it cheating, but for me, I was glad I did a workout at all, as apposed to skipping all together.

Chris and I got "Wendy's" for lunch, It's hard to make the transition to eating "healthier" when it comes to eating out, I happen to like, apps, hamburgers, pizza, and anything fried. I am glad though, when we get a value meal, we made a rule years ago to only buy one, and share the fries and drink between us both, saves time, money and calories. Chris and I normally go out to eat on the weekend, we have a "annual date night" Either Saturday or Sunday. We normally pick Applebees or Chillies. Thankfully both have "healthier" menus, it's going to take time to transition, but I know no matter what, they have good food ;) I have tried both healthy menus before, and was impressed. Trying to back off the grease over here. ;)

I know I don't need to eat EVERY single meal like that, it's how I ended up on binge eating again, I got sick of all the "green" and fruit, veggies and chicken. I will allow "splurge" now and then, when we did Insanity, we had one, once a week, that way, we weren't tempted to eat crap the rest of the week. Also, it's not like we went crazy stuffing our faces, normally a small bag of chips, or a *small* bowl of ice cream, something to that description. We never ate hours on end of unhealthy food. Thankfully, I've learned how to keep myself on track, I know when to stop eating and how to proportion myself, learning to drink more water, especially with working out six days a week, It's hard to remember sometimes though, I've always had a hard time drinking it, because there's no "flavor", sometimes it's just too "plain" for me. Yay for a variety of "flavor shots" and many different kinds. Although I haven;t used any since last summer, so Go me ;)

I start Day 4 tomorrow of "Focus T-25" Standing for "time 25 minutes". Only 25 minutes a day, and you work your whole body, sweat like a pig, and are so sore you can barely move. I'm so thrilled to be doing this the next ten weeks. I go home in Two weeks to visit Family, and I'm so excited, I'm going to be working out every day while there (I don't know how possible that will be with my mom and family's schedule's) but I'm sure gonna try my hardest. Also going to be watching what I eat, I know how easy it is to :put on a few pounds" especially on vacation. I still look back at my Christmas photos, and I'm just amazed how "fat" I was, it's so crazy, the fact that, that was ME is ridiculous   to me, I can't believe I let things go so far with my life, and my emotional eating. I'm so glad I'm getting "help" now, and I've stopped doing that a year ago.

Excited to see where this will take me in the upcoming weeks and even months, excited to see the results, and not stop working out (consistently) this time. This is MY time, I'm gonna take it, and I'm going to run with it, I'm not ever going to be "obese" again, and I will get back to a healthy weight. I'm so thrilled to see what my Future will bring. :)


3/26/2014

Snapshot of Fall

I took this photo back in 2008, It was the Beginning of fall, and all the leaves we're turning colors, berries we're blossoming, and the colors we're just breathtaking. Please enjoy this sweet Image 


3/22/2014

My weight loss journey, so far.


It's no secret I've gained a good amount of weight since 2011, 50 lbs to be exact. It was very hard and depressing living overseas, and I was beyond homesick. With being newly married (6 months prier) and having just had our "white wedding", witch I planned myself with my mom. Chris wasn't able to be apart of it, living overseas for 6 months without me. I was emotionally drained, and just "ready" to be with him. I was thrown into a new Country (not a state) torn from all I knew, my family (my mommy especially) my friends, my state, and even my favorite stores. I was in this new place, with my husband, all alone. It was horrible. I ate crap every day, first because it reminded me of home, and then because I got to the point of not caring anymore. I was so done.

I had fast food (on base) at least 4 times a week, on top of that I bought every unhealthy thing you could think of, and was stocked up in my house. Chips (all verity's) Pizza, Frozen food, Ice cream, candy bars, pop (and lots of it) doughnuts, sugary cereals, ect. Also Cinnabon (with extra frosting) 3 times a week. Not including that every time I ate fast food, it was the full value meal, EVERY TIME. I gained 50 lbs over 6 months, I went from being a size 9/10 to a size 12/13. From 155 to 217 lbs. I was Obese for the first time in my life. After I gained it all, I tried different diets. Only green foods and fruits and veggies, it only lasted for 3 months. Then I swore I'd never eat anything green ever again. I also had a period of working out every day, 6 times a week. (while eating clean) Lasted for 3 months.

I tried many "diets", even got rid of all the "bad food" in my house, after a week, I'd just go and get more. I went back into my spiral, it was too "good" not to eat, it made me "feel" better, and in that "moment" that was all that mattered. I just excepted myself as I was at that point, and just "lived with it". I started buying "bigger and baggier" clothes. It was the most embarrassing thing I'd ever do, to date. I hated it. My prettiness was vanished, my happiness was gone, my "honeymoon" stage ended as soon as it begun (practically) I had a harsh reality "real life". I'd never been "fat" a day in my life before moving to Italy, it was a hard realization to see about myself. When we moved to New Mexico, I was still at 217, we got here, and settled in, and I said I was "done" with this life, I needed to become "healthy".

So was my Journey with "Weight Watchers" that only lasted 3 or 4 months, it became too difficult to have to track everything you ate, my issue was remembering to do so. That failed, and that's all it seemed. I was a failure, plain and simple. Then I started looking up programs I could do at home (not like I'd really "do" it) that wasn't "for me". I found the site "Beachbody" through a friend, and looked into it. Saw all these programs, and started researching them. I found one called "Insanity" and was impressed. 8 weeks of hard core workouts, from cardio, to plyo, and even "rest days". Lots of jumping included, push ups (not this girl, I haven't been able to do a push up since I was 12) moving, running in place, stretching, and so much more. A week or two later, it hit me. I WAS GOING TO DO THIS.

I was going to kick my butt, work my body, and become healthier. We ordered it, and we Finished it. I got toned, I got strong, I dropped about ten lbs and I lost 5 inches in my waist. I changed my eating habits and what I ate, where I ate, when I ate and how much I ate. Since then, I've done some working out, yoga, playing/chasing/walking with my dogs. I don't keep "unhealthy" food in my home anymore (except for spacial occasions) I don't buy pop anymore or keep in in my house. I always have good snacks on hand, granola bars, fruit, veggies, fruit snacks, nuts, trail mix, whole wheat toast, we also only use whole wheat noodles. I changed my lifestyle completely. This is not to say, I don't splurge, that I don't drink pop at all, that I don't ever have pizza or ice cream. I do. I've had to find a balance that's worked "for me" for my body and my lifestyle.

I am very careful about proportions, how much I'm eating, If I have Ice cream, I use the smallest bowl we have, to get the smallest amount. I'm careful about when I eat, almost never past 7 pm. I drink lots of water (more then I ever have before) and lots of tea. I never touch coffee (unless it's a frap, once every few months) I don't drink energy drinks, and I won't keep it in our house. I'm still learning, it's a day by day process, but I'm happy where I'm at. It's amazing how much you can lose, by just cutting out crap from your diet. I'm happy to say I've gone from 217 last year, to 198 at this moment. For me that's a BIG number. I'm beyond proud of myself, and all I've accomplished so far. It's been a really long journey, and it's not over. I want to drop 30/40 more lbs in the next 3 or four months.

It will take hard work and dedication, but If I can get through Overseas (aka my living hell) I can get through anything. I WILL BE HEALTHY by the time Fall is here. It's been difficult, emotional, hard, sweaty, and so good. I couldn't have done ANY of it, without Chris by my side. He's stood by me, not once calling me "fat" but in my (personal ugliness) he called me beautiful, called me lovely, called me his, called me baby, his sweetheart and that no matter how "big" I was he'd love me anyways. He's been faithful since day one, and my rock when I fallen. He killed himself right along with me doing Insanity, and he's dropped over 20 lbs (he's been doing PT EVERY DAY since January) I'm so proud to call you MINE Chris. I've dropped a full 19 lbs so far. Still working every day, on getting healthy. Starting T-25 on Monday with my hubby, can't wait to get back at it again.


March last year  |  March This Year.  20 lbs down (so far) 


3/19/2014

Transparency

I'm Gonna be honest here, being real is hard sometimes, you open yourself up to judgement, to hurt, and you become vulnerable. I haven't really had a "relationship" with God in three years. I went through so many personal struggles. As soon as I moved overseas, I felt my life was over, it was the most difficult and hardest thing I've ever been through. I went through many personal trials and Battles with God. Through it all, I became angry and bitter, I blamed Him and my husband, for putting me through "a living hell". The fact of being where I was, wasn't something I was happy with, the distance nearly sank me too the deepest I've ever personally been. I got angry, I became a huge emotional eater, and packed on 50 lbs in 6 months. I was very lonely, unhappy, and extremely depressed. I literally spent days, even weeks in bed, some days I wouldn't eat, I only left the room to use the bathroom. I cried myself to sleep hundreds of times, I don't even want to tell you the mean names I called my husband, I blamed him. I threatened divorce four times (always out of anger and frustration, I would never ever follow through) I was caught up in my own world, and hurts. Rarely was there a day my husband an I didn't have a screaming match. 

I didn't feel loved by God, as a matter of fact, I felt He'd left me, abandoned me ( silly I know) I felt utterly alone. I gave up praying, after so many times of falling on my knees, praying and begging for things to change and be different. Caught up in my own selfishness and forgetting that sometimes He answers *His way* and not my own. All I heard from people at home was how "lucky" I was to live there and how "jealous" they were of me. If only they knew at those points, I was at the worst I've ever been. Here I am a few years later, still not talking to God much, not because I don't "love" Him, I'm still establishing trust with Him again, and learning to pray once more. I'm beginning to open my Bible, and read little by little. I know He IS Truth, He is Love. I know I abandoned Him, and not the other way around. I also know He *was* there through my worst of the worst, but I was too blinded by my own selfishness too see it. I still ask questions, I still cry, I look back on the things I said, and how I treated my husband with regret. I've apologized more times then I can count, but the guilt hasn't gone away. These are my true struggles, I'm sick to death of "putting on a face" and pretending "everything's ok". I'm not the perfect christian, and I never have been or claimed to be, I sin, I struggle, I swear, and I still don't read my Bible every day nor pray. But I try.

I love the Idea of Grace, that I am still loved, no matter how bad my day, or what I say or do (not that it gives us excuses to swear at Him, or go and commit adultery, cause God loves us "anyways") But you know what I mean. He is all Knowing, knows our heart, knows the words we are about to say, weather they sadden Him or anger Him. He knows if we want to hide from Him, or Run too Him. He excepts us *where* we're at. That my Friends, I think is the true meaning of Grace. With all I've gone through, dealt with, said to Him or screamed at Him, I know He is FOR me, he wants me, ALL of me. This has been a whole realization for me, I'm getting to a better place with Him, taking it one day at a time. I know He's just fine with that.  We're loved where we're at, despite our struggles, our circumstances, our past, our bad choices, or sin, our mis-behaved children, or our husband who's decided to cheat on us (and God loves him too) He loves us spite our anger and bitterness, even at Him. 

1/12/2014

Life with Dyslexia

I've had dyslexia since I started school at about age four or five. I was diagnosed with severe dyslexia at age eleven and ever sense then, it's only gotten worse. It's different with every person, but for me, even every day life can be a struggle. It's not just telling time, math, reading and writing, but so much more. 

This is a list of what a lot of adults have with dyslexia. 
I have every single one, this explains so much, why I do what I do, and why I react to things differently. I grew up thinking I was "dumb" and "stupid" because I was different, I couldn't read a chapter book by myself, till I was 13 years old, I couldn't do a division problem on my own for two whole years. I spent countless hours doing homework with my mom for hours, witch most of time ended in in sobbing fits, because I didn't "get it".

This not only effects school related things, but also emotional things, things in every day life, sometimes it's hard just to get through the day without getting frustrated because I don't understand something, or take something too literately. I still have to "spell check" half my words when I use the computer, I tend to spell things how they sound, more then half the time that's always wrong.

I got made fun of ever since I can remember, about my looks, about all the trouble I had making friends, about not "fitting in" or always being the "odd" one out. But more then that, I got mad fun of for being "different". For having a disability. The funny thing is, it's completely out of my control, the easiest way to explain it, is I have a "glitch" in my brain, and it doesn't transfer normally like most "normal" people.

I have a brain disability, it's hard to deal with, to live with, to even cope with after all these years, but I'm doing it. I grew up blaming myself for being "different" and not being "normal". I felt like the black sheep, the odd one out, the one ignored, and made fun of, and the hardest part, was no matter who I explained it to, not one person understood, or "got it". When I found this site, I finally had some answers, and I started understanding it's not "my fault" I'm different. It's my brain.

I hope I've helped someone to better understand those of us with "dyslexia". We'd so appreciate your understanding and acceptance more then you know, and not to be judged just because we're different and don't understand things like you.

If I ask you what time it is, it's because I can't read a clock or a watch (unless it's digital) please don't give me a crazy look, If I ask how to spell something that's an "easy" word to you, it's not to me. If I ask you to explain a problem or a story to me, that you just told, it's because I don't "get it". Please stop treating me like I'm stupid, and stop with the faces of "she's crazy". I just need some respect, and a little understanding and grace.

Thank you for reading, it means a lot.


This is a site explaining exactly the "effects" I have. Take some time to research an maybe you will start to understand people like me. 

http://www.ncld.org/types-learning-disabilities/dyslexia/common-dyslexia-symptoms-and-warning-signs-in-adults

12/31/2013

Happy New Years Eve. AKA Last day of 2013

Hello all, I'm sitting here in my parents back sitting room, listening to Frank Sinatra on Pandora and watching Molly rest my my feet. I'm listening to my family play Settlers of Catan in the dining room, the giggles, and silly arguments of why they are making the "moves" they are. It makes me giggle. I'm all warm and fuzzy inside. It's been so good to be home these last three weeks, I'm so happy to have been here for Christmas, it's been a dream come true and all I'd wished for. Lots of laughter and catching up with family, taking the "littles" out for some alone time, getting them a treat to eat or buying them a lip-gloss. The light in there faces is why I love giving, it's my love language and I just love all the happiness.

So much has happened this year, I don't know If I can write it all down. We moved state side in March, and Bought a lovely home, got a wonderful, loyal, loving dog, started counseling for me, and for our marriage. We've never gotten along as well as we do now. My photography really took off since I moved, I've done a lot of sessions with newborns, maternity, and even my first Birth. What an amazing experience. There's been a lot of growing, a lot of maturing  and growing up. I am thankful for Christopher, he's such a wonderful husband, he's the most loving, sweet, compassionate, caring, selfless man I know. He's my other half and my everything.

Being home for Christmas after so long, is just Icing on the cake for me. I am just thrilled to be here and so happy to be with everyone. It's been fun to go to Target whenever I want, it's a 5 minute drive, compared to an hour and a half one way. It's been so lovely to get Starbucks whenever I want.  I love me some Starbucks. I've been to the mall a few times, walked around the Mall of America. Been out to eat a few times, seen a few friends, took a few sessions yesterday. But mostly I've been focusing on Family this time around, that's what Christmas is about anyways. I've spent as much time as possible with them. It's been so lovely. I have over 1500 photos to edit from just being "home" not including the one's I'm taking tonight, and until we leave, and  not the one's from my photo sessions yesterday.

Thankful for this year, it's truly been the best since I've been married. Feeling grateful, and going into 2014 tonight being happy, ready to take the bull by the horns and hit it head on.

























12/14/2013

And off we go.

Well, we've come to the end of a long road. We are finally going home this weekend. I am so beyond thrilled to be with Family for Christmas. After three years without being home for Christmas, we are finally going. Yes, I bring it up a lot, If you went through it, you'd understand.

This time last year, I was in Italy for my 2nd Christmas. I hated it. Extremely lonely and extremely remote. No friends, no family, no nothing. I'm not a fan being without family near by, I'm a big homebody and I love my family to death. They are my life. 

I'm greatly looking forward to this time around. I can't even say how thrilled I am. We will arrive on Monday at some point. I'm happy to relax and sleep and talk with my family. We've finally come to the end of the road. Chris and I are so excited for our road trip. 

Please pray for safety and good road conditions.
Thank You.